What To Do When Those Closest To You Don’t ‘Get You’

sometimes, our family of origin, or our birth family, are the ones who limit us the most. uninvited, hurtful comments like – – -

“what the fuck do you know?”
“just who do you think you are?”
“you think you’re so smart”
“what makes you think you’re better than me”

or, the more subtle, just as painful, unspoken words and behaviors, back handed compliments, and attempts to keep you ‘small’ are attempts to prevent you from fully exploring and learning and living your true potential.

you may have been born into that tribe, but you most certainly do not have to limit yourself with loyalty to remain in that tribe.

when those closest to you don’t appreciate or understand you, here are a few things you can do to limit your exposure to their discouraging comments or negativity:

1) remember, above all else – everybody has their own internal dialogue happening

you aren’t going to influence another person’s belief system, so when someone takes issue with who you are in your truth, try to remember it is not truly about you. it’s about them and how they perceive you. it is their assumptions, their misery, their judgement.

2) if you are unable to fully separate yourself from them – due to location or loyalty – limit your exposure for a while 

make a few excuses as to why you can’t make it for coffee or dinner, ‘hide’ their profiles in your social media (this prevents the confrontation of blocking or unfriending someone, but allows you a reprieve from seeing them routinely), or reduce the amount of time you have to spend with them.

it might not ever be reasonable to separate yourself fully from them. don’t beat yourself up about it. but don’t subject yourself to unnecessary bullshit. take steps to self-preserve. no one has to know.

3) find your tribe

the world is full of people who are speaking your language, who ‘get’ where you’re coming from and who will think you’re pretty fucking awesome. find your team of people and connect. fill your cup by spending time with a new crew. this way, when you must spend time with the joy-suckers, at least your heart is full.

this isn’t abandonment.
this isn’t selfishness.

this is about not being a doormat.
it is about not being limited by other people’s limitations and beliefs.
it is about choosing to save yourself so that you remain healthy and happy
and so the world has the opportunity to receive the best parts of you.

the bold guts truth is – – – not everyone is going to love you. and, sometimes the people who insist they love you do unintentional harm to your soul, often in your best interest or because they ‘think’ they know who you are.

but you’re allowed to change. transform. metamorphose
you deserve to grow, learn, experience, and share who you really are.
even when it’s someone they don’t know.

go girl! i am rooting for you.
live in your truth.

Stop Trying to Change People


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You waste precious energy trying to convince others:

- to believe what you believe
– to like what you like
– that your opinions are right
– that you know better
– that you have all the answers
– that your suffering is greater than theirs
– that if they only did A, B, C all their pain would go away.


The only person you have ANY influence over – is YOU.

STOP trying to INFLICT your life lessons on others. STOP trying to convince people YOU have a better solution for them. STOP trying to force and control and change. STOP rehashing old shit with the intention of making someone see the light.

It’s exhausting.
And NEVER works.

FREE yourself from the need to convince anyone else of anything.
That’s THEIR walk.

Take what YOU know to be true,
and get to work on living YOUR crazy beautiful life.


Magic Life

magicI want to lie on the grass under the stars
and arch my back, and receive.

I want the maximum experience of life’s lovemaking.
The ultimate lover, life, in its deep tenderness
with hard edges
and soft moments
and penetrating truths.

I want to bend, and be broken open by soft touch
and hard exploration.
I want to give in to my feelings
I want to weep in ecstasy
and surrender fear to trust
in the hands that guide me to complete sate.

I want the slow burn -
smoldering coals of passion,
not because it torches but because it transmutes.
The great alchemy – magic
my life.

Allowing myself to be transformed
by Life.
by love.

Using my powerful self to choose
to change
to receive
to create.
to love.

I will allow Life to adore me.
to drench me in darkness and light and
to receive its Magic.

never forget: you are free


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take back what’s yours

slap your self-worth out of his grimy hands and
dust off your precious Light
with the tenderness of a mother
loving her child.

basicsmatter.com From the Blog Post 12 Steps to Getting Your Personal Power Back by Martina McGowan

basicsmatter.com From the Blog Post 12 Steps to Getting Your Personal Power Back by Martina McGowan

he is never going to see your beauty
he will not acknowledge your talent
he can not see your luminescence
because his heart sight has been taken
blacked out with toxic thoughts
and abusive behaviors
and words poisoned with booze on his breath.

you didn’t take it
you’ve done it all

kicked, screamed,
begged, pleaded,
cut and hung,
cried in desperation

was the good girl
tried to be nicer

tried to be
someone else.

- and i mean never – 

time to get a little tough, here


get a hold of yourself, sweet girl.
take control of the child he continues to manipulate and harm,
ignore and criticize.
let down and disappoint.

slap your self-worth out of his grimy hands
with the force of a woman.

gather your sisters around you,
summon your guides
call on the angels

and reclaim your Self from the
sludge that gets in your lungs and stifles your breath
and gums up your arms and legs
and paralyzes your action.

cut the cord that joins you to him
let him go.

KNOW that you are enough
CHOOSE yourself
NEVER forget



what we do and don’t need from you: on sex and sexuality



Where to begin.

It is empowering to see so many creative, talented and beautiful women like P!nk, Katy Perry, Shakira and Rihanna, and Lady Gaga leading the music industry.

purple blackBut, Beyonce’s latest album – self-titled Beyonce – is as visual as it is musical. And her video for “Partition” is pretty graphic. In fact, some people think it’s pornographic.

Popdust.com asked readers what they thought of Beyonce “rubbing a pole between her booty cheeks and singing about being ejaculated on in the backseat of a car”. Some don’t see any issue with it.  (If you’d really like to, you can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZ12_E5R3qc) 

Beyonce is the epitome of an empowered woman. She is a master of her art. She is married to a powerful man. She is a mother. A smart business woman. A movie star. And she is generating mountains of money. This isn’t the first sexy music video that she has released. And it certainly isn’t going to be the last.

But, here’s what I want you to know in response to one interpretation of the possible messages that video sends: You can be a powerful, intelligent, creative, sexual woman without having to show all your female parts in an attempt to earn the respect or admiration of those around you.

In fact, in the real world – the one you go to school in, the circles you hang out in, the world you work in – letting your sexuality lead you, can lead to misery.

Unwanted attention.
Stares and scowls.
Predatory behavior.

I’m not saying it’s right or fair, I’m saying, it happens

That’s the truth.

Too many times to count, as a young woman I gave away sex hoping I would find worthiness, acceptance, and love. I completely mistook my sexuality for my inherent value. And the two have so little to do with each other. Every time I gave myself away in the hope of finding love, I found less love. I received less love. I loved myself less.

Your body does not equal your worth. 

Anyone can have sex. Every one is born with body parts and will experience desire. Being sexy and having sex doesn’t make you powerful. In fact, until you’re ready and with someone you trust, it puts you at risk. #bigtruth

It is your divine right to discover and unleash your personal power into the world. We need your creativity, talent, feminine power and intelligence.

What we don’t need is more glittery bits and ass crack.

You do not need to show your tits or slide your ass up and down a stripper pole to be desirable, beautiful and worthy as a woman in this world. And choosing not to show all your parts in a world that expects you will doesn’t make you a prude, frigid or ugly. It means you’re learning to love and respect yourself.

Life will gift you with moments of passion. When the time is right, and when it is safe for you, I hope you will feel sexy, desirable and free.

Last thought: This is smart and powerful media. Even at 43, I feel the pull of the message “be sexy, be wanted” and “your body is the most important part of you.” I will never be Beyonce. I am only me. And I am good enough to love.

If you’ve given away too much of yourself, it’s okay. You’re not alone. You’re not broken. You’re not awful. You’re not damaged goods.

You matter.

start over


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neverstopstartingwith no apparent reason, a touch of procrastination and a heaping helping of self-sabotage you stopped trying. you stopped caring. your stopped doing.

you. just.. stopped…

and the days piled up on you like a mound of laundry in the corner, a lump of ignored opportunities to make a change, try again or start over.

it is never to late to begin again.

in fact, my motto is never stop starting

procrastination is a wicked ruler leading to missed chances and looming deadlines, messy bedrooms and toothaches.

procrastination kills dreams.

so, recover.
choose new.
take another run at it.
just begin.
start over.

it’s not failure that kills goals, it is the failure to persist that murders those dreams.

you know what works? action.

you can write a list,
you can think about it,
plan it out,
make a map of how you’re gonna get there,
be mean to yourself for all the ways you’ve screwed up (a-fucking-gain),

or you can just start over.
every damn minute if you have to.

don’t give up.
i’m cheering for you.

paint you, first


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paint you firsti see you spinning your wheels
embedding yourself deep in the mire and muck
of ludicrous lies and inaccurate thinking.

your thinking makes you small
your desire for ease makes you weak
your possibility is horizon wide
yet through a needle’s eye, you focus only on the freckle on your cheek 

you are the victim.
they do it to you.
you are innocent.
they are cruel.

‘look, good world, how kind I am and see how meanly they treat me’

(venomous words, like slow poison, paralyze your action.)

i can hear the excuses now
but, i’m not enough
i don’t know the answers
they hate me
they’re so rude
it’s too hard
i’m not good enough
i’m too fat
i’m too old
no one will ever love me
i can’t do it

pull out your toolkit
(you already have the skills)
the know-how
to heal yourself,
to make the world lighter and brighter.
to fix what ails you,
to choose again.

every moment, each decision of your life (with a flick of chance) has led you here.
‘here’ is not a surprise.

own it. be mad about it. piss and wallow and whine
and then get the fuck up and do what is required to grow through it.

you are the master artist of your life.
paint a magical picture rife with colour and vibrancy and feeling and emotion.
cry when you hurt, pour it out on the soil like blood – roll around in it. feel it.
show your teeth when you laugh in ridiculous pitch and frenzy,
let joy wrinkle the corners of your eyes and press lines into pink on your cheeks.
kiss deep and without thought.
let passion rise up from your gullet and flood someone else’s world with adoration.
pour your words with thoughtful intention onto someone else – – feed them; soothe them, they are dying of thirst.

you weren’t brought to this earth by chance or mistake
to ooze misery and cave in on yourself, broken.

you were brought here to thrive.
to feel
to make love
to laugh
to kiss
to create

to paint.

paint you, first.
and then unveil your masterpiece to the world.


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