you. just.. stopped…
and the days piled up on you like a mound of laundry in the corner, a lump of ignored opportunities to make a change, try again or start over.
it is never to late to begin again.
in fact, my motto is never stop starting.
procrastination is a wicked ruler leading to missed chances and looming deadlines, messy bedrooms and toothaches.
procrastination kills dreams.
take another run at it.
it’s not failure that kills goals, it is the failure to persist that murders those dreams.
you know what works? action.
you can write a list,
you can think about it,
plan it out,
make a map of how you’re gonna get there,
be mean to yourself for all the ways you’ve screwed up (a-fucking-gain),
or you can just start over.
every damn minute if you have to.
don’t give up.
i’m cheering for you.
BIG LOVE, xoK
your thinking makes you small
your desire for ease makes you weak
your possibility is horizon wide
yet through a needle’s eye, you focus only on the freckle on your cheek
you are the victim.
they do it to you.
you are innocent.
they are cruel.
‘look, good world, how kind I am and see how meanly they treat me’
(venomous words, like slow poison, paralyze your action.)
i can hear the excuses now
but, i’m not enough
i don’t know the answers
they hate me
they’re so rude
it’s too hard
i’m not good enough
i’m too fat
i’m too old
no one will ever love me
i can’t do it
pull out your toolkit
(you already have the skills)
to heal yourself,
to make the world lighter and brighter.
to fix what ails you,
to choose again.
every moment, each decision of your life (with a flick of chance) has led you here.
‘here’ is not a surprise.
own it. be mad about it. piss and wallow and whine
and then get the fuck up and do what is required to grow through it.
you are the master artist of your life.
paint a magical picture rife with colour and vibrancy and feeling and emotion.
cry when you hurt, pour it out on the soil like blood – roll around in it. feel it.
show your teeth when you laugh in ridiculous pitch and frenzy,
let joy wrinkle the corners of your eyes and press lines into pink on your cheeks.
kiss deep and without thought.
let passion rise up from your gullet and flood someone else’s world with adoration.
pour your words with thoughtful intention onto someone else – - feed them; soothe them, they are dying of thirst.
you weren’t brought to this earth by chance or mistake
to ooze misery and cave in on yourself, broken.
you were brought here to thrive.
to make love
paint you, first.
and then unveil your masterpiece to the world.
some of us were born to amazing, fair and unconditional adults who moulded and shaped our lives modelling functionality, contribution and security.
some of us were born to people who smothered, suffocated, stifled and controlled us.
still others were born to broken humans who taught us panic, fear, torture, anguish and torment.
and some of us were born in the middle somewhere
in the layers of family dynamics that fall in between the extremes.
how is it some of us are born to superstar parents while others are born into pain? is it the luck of the draw? is there a Master Plan drawn by an unseen hand? some new age thinkers believe that all souls enter an agreement before they arrive to the human experience and that we each CHOSE our parents in order to learn karmic lessons. i don’t have the answers and i don’t believe any one person knows the ‘truth’ – whether it is all by chance, or choice.
but here’s what i do know: the only thing you control in your life is you. YOUR words. YOUR thoughts. YOUR actions. that’s it. you have no control over anyONE or anyTHING else.
attempts to change others will always be futile. this goes for partners, co-workers, lovers, best friends, siblings and children. your parents may not ever be able to give you what you believe you need from them. parents are actually just children in bigger bodies. no lie.
but you CAN change YOU.
you CAN parent YOURSELF.
you CAN give yourself what YOU need.
it’s frightening [and a fraction empowering] to go against your parents – whether you are 14 or 44. we’re taught to obey them, or risk being unloved. and they may not react kindly or ‘like’ what you’re doing with the life they gave , especially if you distance yourself, lash out or ’break the rules’. but, i believe there is a way to honour them, while walking your own path. it doesn’t have to be their happiness or yours.
you might be young, and feel trapped at home.
[start dreaming about your own grown up life and the wonderful ways you'll live it. you won't be under their roof forever.]
you might be newly on your own and feeling lonely.
[what if you learned to parent yourself? by this i mean, look after your inner child the way a mother does, or the way your WANTED your mother to look after you.]
you might be angry and resentful and in pain over the relationships you’ve had (or haven’t had) with your parents.
[reach out. get help sorting through the crap. this healed me in ways nothing else has.]
you don’t have to repeat old patterns of behaviour. you don’t have to play the same tired, old game anymore. you certainly don’t have to endure emotional, psychological, physical or sexual abuse. you can choose a new way to be. it’s a choice. [almost like choosing bacon or sausage with your eggs, maybe a wee bit harder]
but it takes big, fucking guts.
being the grown up and looking after yourself ain’t for the faint of heart.
it takes practice.
there will be ups and downs.
but it’s doable.
take note: taking care of or parenting yourself doesn’t have to be a big announcement you make at your next family gathering over turkey dinner.
“A-hem, by the way, since ya’ll fucked up, I’m taking over from here,
thank you very much – please pass the carrots.”
there is no need to be dramatic, attack, open that can of worms or point fingers. dealing with family issues can come with explosive emotions.
your parents may not appreciate your critique of their life’s work, imagine that. it may be best as a personal observation, followed by a subtle and delicate shift - private. internal. like you’re saying a prayer, snuggling a baby, or petting a sleeping cat. you’re just going to choose to take care of you whether anyone else notices or not.
and know this: your experience is your experience. your brothers and sisters might not share your thoughts or opinions. have you ever wondered how 1 family with 5 kids raised by 2 parents can have 3 that feel blessed and grateful for their upbringing, 1 that holds rage and lashes out and 1 that is a hermit living in a van down by the river?
it’s called perspective and it’s very individual.
and it doesn’t mean they’re right and you’re wrong.
i feel the need to mention here: [for what it's worth]
we are all just doing the best we can. some of us are trying to figure out our paths and move through our life experiencing some kind of positive emotions. parents included. after all, they are only human. some of us are asleep, don’t think there is a problem or choose to stay angry. parents included.
i definitely did not ever set out to hurt, anger, disappoint or let down my kids, but there are times I have. and although it is not my intention, i may do it again. I also know that my kids are just out there trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in this world. they aren’t out there scheming up a big plan to figure out how to break dear ol’ mother’s heart. they’re just … well, living.
when we know better, we can do better.
there are moments when you don’t know what’s the matter and will do whatever it takes to stop the pain. and there may be moments when you have an inkling that something big is happening inside, and you just want solutions [this would be a good time to work with someone] and if you work at it, there might come a time you know exactly what you feel, what you need and how best to care for yourself, regardless of what anyone else is doing around you.
this is what we’re aiming for.
extreme self care.
once you know what pains you and what must change so that the pain will stop, you can take those steps. once you’ve experienced some healing and positive change, it’s very tough to go back to old patterns of crappy behaviour and self-harm. taking care of yourself becomes the kindest thing to do for everyone involved. the more you love and look after your own needs from a point of clarity and knowing and worth, the more gentle and free you become.
set yourself free.
so much of what she writes and speaks about i understand on a deep level. we share frighteningly similar experiences in and about life.
a) “I had a relatively magical childhood, which added an extra layer of guilt to my pain and confusion. Glennon- why are you all jacked up when you have no excuse to be all jacked up?? My best guess is that I was born a little broken…” kim, what’s your effin’ deal? you have zero reason to be eff’d up, so why are you so eff’d up?
b) “… because I had no clue what else to do – I prayed. I prayed the only way I know how to pray – in moans and accusations and apologies and tears and wild promises.” the prayers that change everything are always done this way, aren’t they?
c) “Marrying Craig [insert my husband's name here] turned out to be the best decision I never really made.”
d) ”And that nakedness, brokenness, and sensitivity I was born with? They’ve turned out to be my greatest gifts. My nakedness allows me to tell the truth without shame or fear and my brokenness is what allows others to trust and love me. My sensitivity is what drives me to feel the pain of others and love them so fiercely. The parts of me that made the first half of my life so exceptionally hard are the exact same parts making the second half exceptional.” ouch, with a side of affirming, snotty, outloud sob.
e) “I write this blog because it’s part of my healing process… Life can’t be stuffed down with food or booze or exercise or work or cutting or shopping for long… We have to Live – we have to show up for ourselves and each other – even when it hurts. It’s the only way through.” writing is the way i try to sort it all out. it’s the way i maintain clarity and gratitude. it’s the way i vent and self-assess, and it’s the way i love those i can’t possibly know. it’s a way for me to show up and encourage. it’s the way i teach myself. and the way i practice.
for me, Glennon is proof. and validation.
you’re NEVER alone the way you think you are.
someone else DOES get where you’re at.
every day. again and again, you CAN choose new.
peace my sweet soul sisters, everywhere.
you put yourself out there,
hoping to meet with acceptance,
to find love,
you took a risk and exposed the very heart of who you are. all your jagged, glittering bits spilled out in the hopes that someone would see the pieces and instantly recognize a magical match.
instead, you were dismissed, disregarded, declined, and derailed.
it takes courage to bare your heart, to share your gifts and to let others catch a glimpse of your light. when that kind of openhearted risk is met with rejection, you’ll likely feel small, maybe childlike – angry, hurt, sad, abandoned – worthless. not good enough.
it wasn’t the time.
it might hurt.
you might feel humiliated.
hot with embarassment.
or deeply flawed and unloveable.
the Universe is full of opportunities, people, relationships, love, places and spaces and treasures - and you are one of those. there will be those who can’t see your radiance. it doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy, it means something better is going to meet you along the way. and all you have to do to get there is love yourself.
the wind is howling and biting, ripping at your hair and sucking the air from your nostrils.
you’re aching all over, exhausted and depleted, longing for the weight of your feather duvet and the remote control.
you feel undeserving, unworthy, unattractive, unnoticed and invisible.
no matter how much work you’ve done to overcome your deepest and darkest demons, your most unhealthy patterns surface, beckoning and tempting you with habits that promise to take the edge off your discomfort. A cigarette. chocolate. shopping. drive thru. vodka. sexual release. anything to provide temporary satisfaction and pain relief for what you feel right now.
now isn’t the time to go back to the pain you know and are comfortable with. food, alcohol, smoking, spending and your ex will only add to your pain. thwarting your diet, sabotaging your health, adding to your debt or offering your body up as a human sacrifice to a lousy lover means you have today’s pain that will linger into the coming days.
this isn’t the day you give up or give in. this isn’t the day you self harm with neglect and cruelty. this isn’t the day you undo all the good you’ve done in your life.
this isn’t that day.
this is the day you take the shit in stride.
you move through it.
lean into it.
let it flow.
let the wind blow and bite. welcome the feelings of being damaged goods, of believing you’re wholly unlovable of seeming unimportance and your invisibility.
soak in the tub.
have a big ol’ snot bawl.
and sleep it off.
You’ve come too far to go back to the stuff that doesn’t work even though you want it to, today just isn’t that day.
i know because I know.
In love relationships.
It is NEVER better to be with “SOME”one simply to avoid being alone. By keeping the wrong person in your life, you drain your energy, dull your dreams, damage your self-worth and leave no room for the ‘right one’ to show up.
Be brave. Make room in your world for the right people. This means recognizing you deserve love, kindness, ease, fairness and flow in your relationships.
Kiss them goodbye with kindness.
Work on #extreme-self-care.
Be there for you.
Be accountable to you.
And know exactly who you are,
and the greatness you deserve.