Only I am to Blame for my Bad Decisions

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bad-decisions

Why do I think I deserve all the credit for all the superstar stuff I do in my life but catch myself attempting to blame others when I’m stuck or struggling?

There isn’t one circumstance in my life today that I did not choose.

When I am low, no one is to blame but me.

When I feel the sting of regret, I chose not to participate.

When I feel like I am not being heard, it is me who is responsible for clarifying and clearly stating what I need.

When I feel bloated and sick, it’s because MY hands tore open the bag of Ruffles All Dressed potato chips and shoved all the chips in my mouth.

When I feel stagnant, or stuck, or bored, it is I who chooses how I spend my time.

When I am not happy with where I am at, it is up to me to choose a new route.

When my life is jammin’ and happy and purposeful
and I am on-fire,
I should pat myself on the back.
I chose to do what it takes to be here. 

No one is working me like a master puppeteer; no one has their hand up my backside guiding my every move with ulterior motive and unseen plan. No one else determines my outcome but me.

I can’t have have it only one way.
I can’t claim the stuff that works in my life as my own
and blame someone else for the stuff I like much less.

Until I fully accept my role in where I am in my life
– for better or for worse –
I waste my one precious life believing someone else has the power to choose for me.

I decide.
I got the power.

 

What EXACTLY do I mean ‘Girls at Risk’? Who is she?

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Do you know her?

left out riskIs it possible she is your daughter? Niece? Neighbor?

You might have encountered her and not even noticed her.

She can be average – seems to fit in just fine.

She comes off as the happy-go-lucky, funny girl – seemingly care-free and under bracelets and wristbands and sleeves and pantlegs, scabs and scars line her limbs.

She might be brooding and angry, lashing out with sword-like tongue.

She might be the star student, seeking perfection – pushing herself ever harder – in her books, in her aspirations, on the treadmill.

She might be needy, desperate, clingy, out-right attention seeking – giving away her heart and soul and body, begging for someone to love her.

– – –

niceMany of us are at risk in some way.

We’re at risk doubting our talents,
fading into the background, and
judging ourselves harshly against others – whether that’s someone at school or a photo in a magazine.

We’re at risk when we feel vulnerable and not good enough;
when we believe we don’t measure up,
because our hair isn’t the right length,
or our eyelashes aren’t long enough,
or we are missing a thigh gap.

We’re at risk when we don’t feel
smart
or unique;

when we stand out in the crowd
and when we feel invisible at home.
(Or vice versa.)

We are at risk when we ignore our inner voice
and don’t listen to what our gut (intuition) tells us.

We are at risk when we avoid telling our truth.
We are at risk when we have been hurt,
violated,
abused,
denied,
discouraged,
condemned
and laughed at.

We are at risk when we feel forgotten,
fat,
lonely,
ashamed,
guilty,
angry,
or sad.

girl at riskAt Risk of What?

Settling for less than we deserve.
Discounting our gifts.
Doubting our self.
Giving up on our dreams.
Believing we deserve what we get.
Hating our self.
Letting our self down.
Forgetting to love our self.
Judging our selves too harshly.

OPEN YOUR EYES.
REALLY LOOK AROUND YOU.

Maybe she’s you.

– – –

Never before have we had the kinds of open conversations we have now.
We appear to be MORE connected through social application and yet, I would argue that the world has never known a time where we feel more lonely, disengaged, misunderstood, unheard,, invalidated, anxious, depressed and hopeless.

– – –

I am compelled to reach out, because I KNOW she is everywhere around me, this girl at risk. She feels inherently flawed, broke, unworthy and unloved. She feels stuck and alone.

I see her. I KNOW her. I WAS her.

She is my child.
She is a classmate.
She is a student.
She is a young mother.
She is you.
She is me.

YOU matter.
I see you.

Hang in there, baby girl.
Peace.
xoK

7 Lessons Learned From American Idol – How watching the “Judges” blister others can fortify you in real life

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sing loud and proud1. The Truth Hurts – And Hurts Worse Coming from Someone You Admire or Respect

Be willing to hear the truth, but guard yourself against brutality.
Accountability is admirable. Martyrdom sucks.

Some people believe it’s their duty to tell the truth at all costs.
“Man, those pants make your ass look huge” is not a helpful (or kind) truth.
“You take things so personally; try to lighten up and let it go” might be a useful piece of advice.

When tempted to speak the truth, ask yourself the following questions:
Is it really true or do I believe its true?
It is kind?
Is it necessary?

When hearing the truth:
Be open and listen with clarity.
Own what’s yours and commit to improvement, if necessary.
Remember, opinions are like bums, everyone has one. If your intuition says the ‘truth’ is skewed, recognize it as being based on someone else’s belief system and then find nicer people to play with.

And when the truth comes from someone you admire: remember it’s you that placed them on the pedestal. If they are really deserving of your respect and admiration, they will find a gentle way to share the truth with you with helpful intention.

2. There’s Always Going to be Someone Better – and Worse – Than You

What are we competing for? Attention? Public adoration? Business? If you’re a follower of the Law of Attraction – competition equals desperation. Desperation equals lack.

There is only one Martha Stewart. One Sir Richard Branson. One Ellen Degeneres. One Anthony Robbins. And there is only one you.

The world needs YOU to be authentic; to get crystal clear about who you are and what you bring to the buffet table; to hone your own skills and gifts in order to share the best You possible.

Social Media is the perfect example of competition and desperation. My friend Adrienne says, “The problem with Twitter is everybody is talking. If everybody is talking, who is listening?”

Remember that there will always be someone who knows more than you do now;
Whose skin is clearer and whose pants fit better;
Who has a bigger database
and better writing skills;
Who has made more money and been on more beaches…

But, there is also someone who has suffered more physical pain;
Lost more than one person who meant the world to them;
Spends their days picking beans in a sweltering, muddy field
And who doesn’t have enough money to feed their family.

3. Know Who You Are – and Don’t Change for Others

Want to drive yourself crazy? Continually change who you are and how you act in the hope that someone will finally love you.

Have you ever started a new relationship by being who you thought that person wanted you to be? How comfortable was it? How easy was it to maintain? What happened to the relationship?

It is extremely difficult to be someone you’re not.

People who know exactly who they are – are easy to like.
There is no faking.
No pretentiousness.
No twisting themselves into a pretzel so that EVERYBODY will like them.

Getting clear on who you are and what you do best is a great gift to your spirit.
It frees you from driving yourself nutty trying to figure out who other people expect you to be. They want you to be you. They love interesting, genuine and unique people.

And if they don’t, find your tribe.
It’s so much easier to be you.

4. Some People Will Judge You No Matter What

“That was horrendous.”
“Just who does she think she is?”
“Her work is okay, but it isn’t the best I’ve ever seen…”

Make peace with it. People have the need to pass judgement. It makes them feel superior. You may never measure up – even when you are doing your very best.

Not everybody loves Oprah.
Not everybody loves Barack.
Not everybody loves Miley Cyrus. Or the Osmonds. Or Elvis.
And not everybody will like you.

So what?

5. Sometimes Risk Pays Off & Sometimes it Doesn’t – But That’s How You Learn

No one ever grew into their full potential by staying comfortable.

Think outside the box. Take a chance.
Maybe you’ll get laughed at.
Maybe you’ll ‘fail.’ Maybe you won’t.
Maybe you’ll feel humiliated. You’ll get over it.
Maybe you’ll shine.

“A ship in harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.” John A. Shedd

6. Listening to What Everyone Else Says Will Only Confuse You

Remember when I wrote: ‘Opinions are like bums, everyone has one.’?
It applies here, too. This blog is just my opinion.

No one has THE SOLID GOLD answer. Not even me.
They have opinions.
Ideas.
Advice.
Recommendations.
Suggestions.
Tools.
Sometimes you’ll pay for it.
Most times readily absorb it without thinking.

You don’t have to listen to everyone else. You have to know yourself inside and out – what you believe and what grates against your soul, what your strengths are and how to protect yourself. And you need to get quiet enough to hear your heart’s desire.

As long as you believe that someone outside of you has the answer you need, you’ll search relentlessly and meet with disappointment. You’ll feel confused. Don’t give power to those who are quick to judge or offer their opinion. You are the only one who can make choices and change for you.

Yours is the only voice that matters when it comes to you.

7. Find your song and sing it – loud and proud.

Sure, there may be some that think your singing stinks – but someone else is gonna LOVE your voice and want to sing along.

xoK

La Loba – Your Wild Woman Nature

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la loba BigLove

This is the place deep in your soul that just KNOWS.

Your Wild Woman is a very real part of you.

It’s a genetic life-line of smarts and survival and the wisdom of the ages. It’s the tenacious defender and voracious protector. It is your intuition – a clear knowing; your gut instinct. It is the Creator inside of you. And the one who holds reverence for simplicity and prayer and plants and sunsets.

Your Wild Woman is Zen moments.
Stillness and
silence and
meditation.

She is passion and fervor and skin on skin.

She is present while a baby grows in your belly and she is the sheer animal strength that bears down to bring a baby into the world.

You might not feel like you know her, but she sleeps peacefully, curled up inside you. You might feel her wake up over injustice, and when you witness cruelty. She will snarl at the intolerable and howl with loneliness for her pack. She paces when you are bored and stifled and hunts for that which will satisfy her soul.

She is inside of you.

Love her.
Nourish her.
Listen for her wisdom.

We’ve been taught to play it safe.
Trust others before our selves.
Follow along.
Be afraid.

We’ve been told not to bite back.
That others know better.
We are gagged.
Muzzled.
Bound.
Blocked.

Let yourself come alive.
Trust that the wisest part of who you are, your Wild Woman, knows exactly what you need.

Let her guide you in your decisions.
Protect you with her wisdom.
Nurture you when you need such.
And be wild in the dark of night.

La Loba. Come alive.
Embrace who you are.

And thrive.

#laloba
#biglove
#soulfixing

You know what you need to do for you.
xoK

“The comprehension of this Wild Woman nature is not a religion but a practice. It is a psychology in its truest sense: psukhe/psych, soul; ology or logos, a knowing of the soul… Without her, women lose the sureness of their soulfooting.” ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves

Make a Plan to Live Your Dreams

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make a planI know there are things you want for your life, but sometimes you don’t know exactly where to begin. Here is one way you could approach making a plan for your dreams.

Name the Goal.
“I am going to save money for a trip to Mexico.”

Write it down and put it somewhere that you can see it and be reminded of it regularly.
(on the fridge, your make up vanity, your bathroom mirror, your car dashboard, as a bookmark in your favourite book or journal…)

Make a logical action plan based on who, what, where, when, why, how.
For example:
– Choose a date.
– Know if you’re flying solo, or choose someone as equally committed as you.
– Pick a destination.
– Research online – how much it costs, when is the best time to go, what can you do while you’re there, fantasize a little.
– Imagine yourself there.
– Open a savings account and call it ‘Mexico January 2016′.
– If you’re not a great saver, ask someone at the bank to help you make the account not easily accessible.
– Make arrangements with the bank for funds to be directly transferred into the account each pay period. Or maybe you’re using your recycling funds as your savings… the point is – designate your HOW.
– Plan an approximate timeline and goal deadline. (I’d have to save $XX every two weeks to have $XXXX for travel by [this date].)
– Have a deadline to purchase your ticket. 

Find ways to stay connected to your dream.
- websites 
- photos
- discussions
- write about it
- picture yourself there
– do it everyday

Don’t let others pop your bubble.
“I’ve been there, I hated it.” 
“Ha! Right! You? Saving money?”
“You’re too much of a chicken. You can’t travel alone.”

Ignore.
Delete.
Know who your cheerleaders are and who the naysayers are.
Be choosey.
Don’t share if it doesn’t feel safe.
Quit seeking approval from those who won’t give it.
Dream with other dreamers and doers. (The doing is the best part!)

Be relentlessly devoted to your own dreams.
Know what they are.
Make a plan.

Tell me all about it, in the comments below.
I believe in you.
xoK

permission granted: soul-suckers, mean girls and taking back your power

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be wise“there was this girl at school I thought was so beautiful. she was perfect as far as i was concerned. and i wanted to be just like her,” she remembered.

“so i begged and pleaded for a pair of skinny jeans because they were so in-style and i wanted  pair so I could be like her.”

then her face softened, and the corners of her mouth fell a little.

“and the first day i wore them to school, she looked at me and said,
‘fat girls can’t wear skinny jeans.’

i was devastated.”

– – – – –

i hear you.

you’ve been scorned and humiliated by selfish, rude, thoughtless and shallow people. yepp… those. bitches.

not cool.
not fair.
and OW, that stung.

now, that you’ve admitted it hurts, it’s time to move forward, stronger and more protective of yourself.

people. are. dumb.
cruel.
ignorant.
rude.
weird.
uncouth. (they lack good manners and common sense.)

and honestly, people don’t think before they speak. they don’t think about what they are about to say, how they should say it, IF they should say it or why they are going to say it. and some of them don’t care.

thumper

be courageous, dear one. {haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.}
be kind to yourself. remember, you are loved and appreciated.
it takes guts and internal strength to shake off the shit someone else slings, but I believe you can do it.

1. REMEMBER there will always be mean, rude and thoughtless people out there.
2. CHOOSE to not be one of them.
3. DECIDE to live exactly the way you want to live – you’ll read, think, watch, wear and eat what you want because it’s YOUR body, YOUR life and YOUR decision.

curvy girl skinny jeans

i understand that when you’re 15 (or 12, or 22) and in the trenches of life (feel bullied, flawed, imperfect and like you don’t fit into the world) it feels ALMOST impossible to rise above the hurt. but, you can. you can do it.

DECIDE that no one will rule you, but you.
RECLAIM your personal power.
Snatch it back from the soulsuckers and meanies who will try to rob you (intentionally or from ignorance) of your happiness and DECLARE your soul, your own.

Consider this, permission granted to OWN your heart and soul –
to defend yourself ruthlessly.
to guard your heart and
to never stop believing it will get better.

You – my sweet girl; my darling angel – can wear whatever the fuck you want. 

I said so.
xoK

You Have No Idea How Beautiful You Really Are

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 A face without freckles is like a night without stars. 

freckles

Oh dear heart,
you have no idea how beautiful you really are.

Beautiful is too small a word.

The precision of your genetic code, tens of thousands of years of people;
pain, sorrow, struggle – love, babies, bliss.

That magical, mystical way that your body came together cell by cell to create the sparkle in your eyes, the perfect hue of your skin, the way your hair falls unruly over your shoulders.

If only you understood that you stand now on the backs of your ancestors,
STRONGthe best of the best (for only the hearty survive).

Here you are.

Your true beauty is not in your ability to take the perfect photograph
or your purchased perfect smile
or your perfectly imperfect breasts, one slightly bigger than the other.

Your beauty is your mysterious, magical blend of science and creation.
You are a palette of colours and contours forged from those who never gave up. You are wisdom and tenacity in the flesh.

You have no clue how beautiful you really are. 

With your wide and solid feet, holding your place in the world.
With your coffee large and shining eyes, pallid peach and tender lips,
apple cheeks and wild hair.
With your legs rooted like trees, ready to support you in every moment.
With your bright red heart pumping life through your veins,
fueling your ideas and art, your dreams and your goals.

Remember that there has only ever been –
and will ever be – this exact creation of you.

This precision mix of stardust and history
fought for
to bring you here now.

Seize her:
this wild and ancient body – accept her as your guide
and let her lead your whole life.

She is yours to love and care for.
Stop abusing and abandoning her.
She has come through generations to serve you.

You have no idea how beautiful you really are.

Do Not Doubt. You Have What it Takes.

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power

What if you didn’t need permission?

What if you just grabbed life by the balls and strode confidently in the direction of your dreams?

I can’t.
I shouldn’t.
But…
I’m not ready.
What if…?

What if it’s easier than you thought?

What if I flop around like a dying fish,
and say something stupid,
bomb in the interview,
forget the details?

What if you trusted that your heart knew exactly what it needed?

What if I get hurt,
And they laugh me out of the room,
And everyone thinks I’m a loser, 
And I am utterly rejected?

What if you just relaxed into being You and let the chips fall where they may?

Trust yourself a little more.
Smile and nod when they offer advice on what you should do next
and then go do what you want.

So, you might screw up.
Lose the job.
Look like a knob.
Feel shitty for a little while.

You have the power inside you right now to totally own your life.
To claim responsibility for where you’re headed next.
And to pick your shit up and change directions when necessary.

You, my dear, had the power all along.

Now, go gettum.
xoK

What To Do When Those Closest To You Don’t ‘Get You’

sometimes, our family of origin, or our birth family, are the ones who limit us the most. uninvited, hurtful comments like – – –

“what the fuck do you know?”
“just who do you think you are?”
“you think you’re so smart”
“what makes you think you’re better than me”

or, the more subtle, just as painful, unspoken words and behaviors, back handed compliments, and attempts to keep you ‘small’ are attempts to prevent you from fully exploring and learning and living your true potential.

you may have been born into that tribe, but you most certainly do not have to limit yourself with loyalty to remain in that tribe.

when those closest to you don’t appreciate or understand you, here are a few things you can do to limit your exposure to their discouraging comments or negativity:

1) remember, above all else – everybody has their own internal dialogue happening

you aren’t going to influence another person’s belief system, so when someone takes issue with who you are in your truth, try to remember it is not truly about you. it’s about them and how they perceive you. it is their assumptions, their misery, their judgement.

2) if you are unable to fully separate yourself from them – due to location or loyalty – limit your exposure for a while 

make a few excuses as to why you can’t make it for coffee or dinner, ‘hide’ their profiles in your social media (this prevents the confrontation of blocking or unfriending someone, but allows you a reprieve from seeing them routinely), or reduce the amount of time you have to spend with them.

it might not ever be reasonable to separate yourself fully from them. don’t beat yourself up about it. but don’t subject yourself to unnecessary bullshit. take steps to self-preserve. no one has to know.

3) find your tribe

the world is full of people who are speaking your language, who ‘get’ where you’re coming from and who will think you’re pretty fucking awesome. find your team of people and connect. fill your cup by spending time with a new crew. this way, when you must spend time with the joy-suckers, at least your heart is full.

this isn’t abandonment.
this isn’t selfishness.

this is about not being a doormat.
it is about not being limited by other people’s limitations and beliefs.
it is about choosing to save yourself so that you remain healthy and happy
and so the world has the opportunity to receive the best parts of you.

the bold guts truth is – – – not everyone is going to love you. and, sometimes the people who insist they love you do unintentional harm to your soul, often in your best interest or because they ‘think’ they know who you are.

but you’re allowed to change. transform. metamorphose
you deserve to grow, learn, experience, and share who you really are.
even when it’s someone they don’t know.

go girl! i am rooting for you.
live in your truth.
xoK

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