while m.i.a., i attended my very own process – my own time at the Hoffman Institute’s 8 Day Transformational (residential) Workshop. this experience helped to heal my daughter – and inspired me to commit as well. not only has she experienced profound change and lasting results, but i am now living testimony to the power of that program.**
i’ve always been a self-help junkie. books, programs, therapy, coaching, cds, videos and sessions focused on empowerment, education, self-esteem, health and wellness, spirituality, success … you name it, i’ve sucked it up.
i’ve devoured books with a pen in one hand and a highlighter on back-up. i’ve scoured the pages searching for the magic answer to what i believed to be missing in me. my personal library is filled with books that have had the pages marked, underlined, notated and folded. some of those i’ve gone back to read again, and again – two or three colours of ink provide the proof.
‘who am I?’
‘I can be better.’
‘what is my purpose?’
‘I must have missed the answer the first time i read the book – if i look closer, i’ll find it.’
one of the biggest and most valuable lessons that i learned while at Hoffman, was that i could stop seeking. i have all my own answers. i don’t need to look to the ‘experts’ anymore. i know exactly what i need. i am that i am. and who i am is perfect.
the gifts of my experience far exceed what i can write here. but i can tell you that i have never known the deep level of calm that i enjoy today. i’ve sorted through, cleaned up and properly disposed of the personal baggage that i have carried for most of my life. like a ball and chain around my ankle, that was the shit that kept me stuck, spinning-my-tires-miserable, depressed and fearful.
i feel new. hopeful. light. peaceful.
dare i say it, truly. happy.
i’ve always been a seeker. looking to repair what i believed was broken in me. searching for where i fit. trying to find what i thought i was missing. what i thought would make me better. what i might be able to apply or use to feel better or make improvements.
i’ve wanted to grow. push. strive. succeed. be recognized. respected. affirmed.
i’ve wanted to shine.
but i have wanted to shine because i believed i needed to stand out; to prove my worth.
i AM smart.
i AM reliable.
i AM responsible.
i AM valuable.
i AM worthy.
i AM loveable.
but i don’t feel the need to prove anything to anyone, anymore.
i just am.
i’m absolutely where i should be right this moment.
i’m not in a panic to accomplish.
i’m not missing anything.
i don’t have to prove my worth to anyone.
no one else has anything I don’t already have access to.
for a woman who has spent her life trying to stay busy – to be seen as important or valued – for the first time ever – i’m absolutely content to be still.
i want to listen,
tune into my self,
catch it all on the whisper.
i still want to grow.
not because I have anything to prove,
but because it’s what my soul was meant to do.
i. just. know. it.